Time sure is a hard concept to understand. It seems like a far is such a long time but in a blink of an eye, it has passed. It sneaks up and hides so quickly, it can be nearly impossible to grasp it as it slips through the cracks of your fingers.
It saddens me at how time passes so quickly. I started this site nearly 7 years ago and each and every year, I want to share more, write more, and invest more time into this endeavor. Even with a strong will, want, it’s not a need, even though it should be. The dsys start and end too quickly. They are filled with endeavors, adventures, laughter, tears, wins, losses and just about everything in between the spectrum of black and white.
In September of 2023 after a fun night of hanging with our amazing neighbors, I woke to discover a significant change. Accompanied with a good hangover, my right eye had just turned the lights down on me. From what was maybe 8 degrees of vision, now was much, much less. Not enjoying the adventure (and pain) of ophthalmologist appointments, I speculate that what was once 9 degrees had become 1 of 2 degrees overnight. The day was rough and throughout the day, I kept stupidly hoping it was just a “bad eye day.” It wasn’t.
The loss of that remaining vision, while poor, was useful. It created death of depth perception. It created the loss of light perception and it created a whole new world to learn. It wasn’t easy.To be complexly transparent, it was fucking rough. I was mad. I was sad. I was grieving and depression came by to say a nice and unwelcome hello.
The truth is that I know it’s coming, i’ve noticed things, big and small, that continue to change. I have noticed how much slower I move due to uncertainty. I have noticed the loss of clarity in the little vision that remains and it’s hard. Through the adaptation needed, not wanted, I have noticed a massive change in my functionality as a human. My brain is remapping, it is changing to accommodate new ways of understanding.
Through hours of listening to articles, studies and expert discuss the brains capabilities of adjustment, I have decided that this is where I am now. My brain is doing what it should be doing, just now that I want it to do.
I want my brain to save every last visual memory that I have ever created. I want it to categorize, sort and compartmentalize every single thing, so I can always remember the visual world. It’s not doing that.
When going through a loss scub as vision loss, losing a limb or losing the ability to control your own body, the brain cleans house. It makes room to put new information in there that is useful now, not then.
Ain’t that a son of a bitch?
In the years past, I had read of this, and at that time, I couldn’t fathom the thought. I couldn’t think of losing the memories of a beautiful sunset, colors, my wife’s beauty, my kids spunky smiles, a perfect wave breaking against the San Diego shore, my parents and so, so much more. I just couldn’t wrap my mind around it.
Well, without any bullshit, its true.
It’s been a long period of storms. The clouds come and go, the winds strengthen and weaken and rain dries up some days, but not every day. It’s been a time of massive adjustment and accommodation to this new world.
“What I once knew, I hadn’t a clue.” – Dayna Brown, Director of Dust to Glory
My family has been great. They have stood beside me, given me additional patience and helped me on the days where, to be honest, I just get exhausted from trying. They have lifted me up when I am down and led me to where I am today. I am unsure of where I would be, who I would be and what I would be doing if I had not of met my wife and taken the journey that has led us here. I am grateful every single day for this life and even in the days where I want to feel pity, it doesn’t stand a chance to my gratefulness, appreciation and love I have for my crew.
Amidst the Chaos
2024 is upon us and with a new year comes new events, new challenges, new opportunities and new changes.
You’d think that at 40 years old (as of October) and a father of two with a stunning wife, we’d be content. We would move on to the next chapter. However, the love we feel, share and exit for our children is unavoidable. It’s strong like the sound of lightening striking the ground and it’s powerful, so very powerful.
We had discussed having another child but I was a hard sell. Going blind, an older father already and content, it took me some time to come around to realize my wife was right. The love we share and that our children bring us in life is absolutely immeasurable. They make every cloudy day full of sunshine and they make the hard days better, every single time.
In June of 2023, we stopped “not trying” and accepted what may be. The excitement was there, the will was there. June turned to July and July to August and nothing had happened. September arrived and Angie and I discussed if maybe it was just not meant to be. To be transparent, it was disappointing. We were sad and a bit defeated. It was around this time that the large remaining portion of my vision said goodbye. Talk about a perfect storm.
September was rough.
With a new month, the days got better. The sun started to lower in the desert sky and the weather began to shift to autumn, well our Phoenix autumn. As my 40th birthday approached, Angie focused on throwing a fantastic “Cheers to 40 Years,” party to celebrate. The close group of neighbors, friends and family was a great time and ran into the wee hours of the morning with plenty of laughs, slurs and memories to take away. It was a great party and she crushed the planning of one of the largest celebrations that I have ever received. At the party, everyone who attended is close. They know I can’t see and are accommodating, understanding and helpful. Being surrounded by these people made me feel comfort and that while life is very different than it used to be, it is wonderful.
In November, a short period of time after the 40th birthday week, we learned that
we’re having our 3rd child
A blessing to say the least and an addition that the four of us are completely enthralled with, our newest member is expected July 16th, the same day my mother was born.
Here we go
We step forward into 2024 with optimism and excitement, despite the harshness in the world around us. We step forward, holding hands, to guide, lift, assist and love one another. We step forward with our hearts open to accept the love that our new baby will bring.