Sometimes the universe just delivers.
Life’s been tough. Life’s been rough. Life’s been beating me down into a pulp lately and the sad thing is, nothing in the world has changed, just me. My perception of the world and every single part of it has changed, leaving me alone. From vibrant varieties of color twinkling in celebration of the Holidays to my home, my safe place, everything has changed. Through this part of vision loss, it feels like the ball is rolling faster than I can keep up, I just can not “catch up.
The struggle with vision loss is not a bad day, it is not an accident, it is not due to bad weather. It is constant, day in and day out and it is exhausting. Through my journey to blindness, I’ve had good days, good weeks and great months and on the contrary, I have had bad ones, all of them.
Alone
As of late, the skies in my world have been dark, full of grays that just rob joy from you. The struggles have been increasing, what once was easy is now difficult and what was once difficult seems, well, impossible. The loss of clarity in my remaining vision has created a sort of separation. I don’t experience the world as a sighted person anymore. Touch, smell, hearing and the feels are what are remaining. Believe me, it’s getting real hard to find a way to intertwine the worlds together, into a theoretical co-existence.
Depression has lingered, it has said hello one too many times and the feeling of failure is abundant in most tasks. This is a part of vision loss and it’s not discussed much.
There are days when giving up seems best. it seems like such a great idea to not fight, not not grit in and to just roll over and go back to sleep. Through this journey, I have never given up, no matter how strong the calling is, I have continued to push, to adjust, adapt and discover a new way. My mantra of “never give up” is real but as of late, a hard expectation to maintain.
Reality
My family, whom I adore, feels the struggle. They see the broken toes, bloody fingers, black eyes and screams of pain and surprise when an accident happens. They see my tolerance fall, they see my patience fall short, they feel my frustration and sense my anger. The truth is that it is fucking embarrassing to admit it and I hate to do so. However, I am not superman. I am not superior of the true struggle occurring, unwanted and undeserved.
The only action to take is to move on and try harder and dig deeper.
All it takes
Today, I was reminded, with no static, as to why I fight. Why I giving up is not an option. Why, besides myself, this journey is crucial.
My Dad! – A Letter from my Daughter
Do you have a Dad? Well I do and I am going to tell you all about him.
So, listen carefully. My Dad can not see. He is blind and it is getting pretty hard, but he is fighting super hard by not saying “I can’t do it” or “it’s too hard.”
Nope, not my Dad!
He never ever gives up or says it is too hard. He says “I can do this” or “it is never time to stop trying.” My Dad is strong, brave, has grit, and most of all, never gives up.
I just think my Dad is amazing!
LET’S KNOW MY DAD.
As a parent, our impacts are immensely impactful. Watched with scrutiny, our children learn much from us. My job isn’t to “see” forever but it is sure as shit, to be there. To be there for the moments that I can feel. To show our children that life is not a fairytale. To show what you do when life gets rough. To lead by example and grit through the things that seem impossible, so they know that they are capable of anything.
Thank you for the reminder Peyton. You are destined for greatness.
Oh Sweet Peyton… she loves you so much Andy. I have to share it saddens me so greatly to see you struggle with this disease that robs you of so much. I however see your strength and your passion to live your life as you are meant to with a family that loves you beyond what words could every say. To say this does not make me cry when I read it, well that would be a lie. But my tears are feelings and I feel for you and your girls every day. I love you Son. You make me so proud to be your Mother.
Thank you Mom. Thank you for reading the latest post and for your kind and Understanding words. I couldn’t agree more that I am right where I need to be and am surrounded with the people that are meant to be there. Thank you for loving us and always being there to help us through our journey.
Andy, I couldn’t say it better than Joanie, so I won’t even try. Your challenge is one of many facets and disappointments it is overwhelming, but the love you have created around you is simply incredible and something most people will never feel. I am so proud of you and the fimily you have created. I love you dude.
She is one special little lady, no doubt about that! Thank you Dad for the kind words and for reading it. I appreciate it and you. Love you.
Dude, reaching out with a great big hug for you Andy. I can only imagine what you’re going through but your story gives me a pretty good idea and breaks me up to hear what you are going through. You’re a fighter Andy, always have been Mister! I know that’s easy to say but you have so much to fight for, your beautiful family that I know loves you so much. It was so good to see you this fall and I will make very effort to stop and see you in April on our return trip to Canada. Call me anytime Andy. Miss you Dude!
Thank you so much Mr. Reid for reading the latest post and for your very encouraging words. It’s a pretty unique experience, watching the world you knew fade away and to be finding your way through a new one. I appreciate you and look forward to the next “what a night!”
I won’t pretend to know what you are feeling or experiencing/ and even as a writer, I find myself struggling with words that could describe it- because saying them or writing them would do an injustice to your journey. I can say, however, that your willingness to share, your ability and courage to put a voice behind the struggle, has humbled me – given me reason to find gratitude and prioritize differently. As a writer, I constantly search for inspiration – and reading your post and the validating words of your young daughter, has definitely inspired me to look twice at everything- to see with a different perspective , and to never take the gifts we are born with for granted. Thank you
Thank YOU Catherin. Thank you for reading and this very inspiring comment. I am no one to listen to but I am glad that the words resonated with you in some capacity. Life is what we make of it, I always tell myself that, but sometimes getting these words out and really “realizing” what is happening, well, it can completely change my perspective. Writing is so therapeutic.
Thank you guys! This is Peyton!